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MYSPACE
DINOSAUR
Being a dinosaur in the modern world can get lonely. One day Space Dinosaur got an email from his good pal Amy with a link to her MySpace page. He checked it out and decided that MySpace could be a good way to meet some new reptilian pals. He set up a page of his own and did a few searches for other dinosaurs, space dinosaurs, and the like. This, it seems, was a very bad idea. First of all he couldn't enter the correct age (70 million years), height (20 feet), or ethnicity (reptilian)! More bad news was on the way. Space Dinosaur would soon find out that, unlike Amy and a handful of others, most MySpace users are not the kind of people with whom you want to associate. As soon as he got his page set up, he saw that this freak was in his "friend space." So he decided to learn a little more about his new friend. It turns out that Tom is a MySpace corporate shill. He peddles MySpace parties (yeah Space Dinosaur really wants to hang out with a bunch of antisocial losers who can't make friends out in the real world), MySpace records (we're all well aware that MySpace employees are News Corp.'s bitches), and wants you to help him promote Fox's other bitches. Tom is also a Journey fan and is "Here for: Networking, Dating, Serious Relationships, Friends." At first Space Dinosaur was disgusted with this pathetic little man. Then his disgust turned to sympathy. Space Dinosaur knew how difficult it can be to make a living and how easy it is to sell out when someone waives a big fat check in your face. He decided that the most humane thing to do was to put poor old Tom out of his misery.  With Tom out of the picture, Space Dinosaur figured that he could now meet some real friends. He did a search for dinosaur and came up with some potential new friends. The first page he pulled up was that of one "super evolved dinosaur." "Hmmm" thought space dinosaur, "that would make you a bird now wouldn't it?" Here is what the bird has to say about herself: "Do you realize I change this monthly (if not less) does that mean, there is no real "me" to have abouts for?" Space Dinosaur wasn't entirely sure what this was supposed to mean. Maybe she's schizo. Reading over the bird's blogs, Space Dinosaur thought to himself, "Darling, do you realize that no one cares about your account balance, how bored you are, or what you gave your friend for her birthday, and most certainly no one with five functioning brain cells gives a rat's ass about what you had to eat today. What do you know, I'm feeling a little hungry myself."  Space Dinosaur then stumbled upon "I'M A DINOSAUR!" At first glance, Space Dinosaur thought that this chick might be tolerable. Then he noticed that her first interest was "GOD." Not such a good thing, as we all know that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the one true creator of the universe. Space Dinosaur was also very unimpressed with I'M A DINOSAUR's whole "About me" section, which was almost entirely composed of stupid quizzes and pictures pulled off of other people's websites. In fact the only original thought incorporated into this mélange of hackneyed web-borne clichés, was a drawn out diatribe consisting of several trite details of a rather unimaginative personality. Space Dinosaur then noticed that all this girl seemed to want to do was to go on and on and on about Shawn. Sweetheart it's time to define yourself by your own standards. Space Dinosaur is sure that Shawn is great, but you need to achieve a little autonomy. Sorry girlfriend.  There were many more dimwit "dinosaurs" on MySpace, and at this point Space Dinosaur realized that he was not going to meet any dino pals there. He decided to poke around at random to see what else was out there, and he stumbled upon this atrocity. Yes, Wendy's International, Inc. has a MySpace, and you can be one of this retailer's 90,518 friends! What do you know, Tom is (or was) one of Wendy's friends! Big surprise! Space Dinosaur decided to check out some of Wendy's other friends. He first noticed "BITCH is my middle name |." Here's what BITCH has to say about herself: “HI IM JOANN ill be your new best friend.” Space Dinosaur thought to himself, "Well you have no problem whoring yourself out to Wendy’s for free, so I’m not too surprised." In addition, BITCH says: "Im a hopeless romantic" and "Im addicted to Myspace." Perhaps if you stepped away from the computer once in a while, romance wouldn’t be so hopeless BITCH. And who would BITCH like to meet? "YOU!!!" Sorry dear, but you haven't given Space Dinosaur much of a reason to want to meet you.  So who's the bitch now BITCH? "ANDRU™" is another pal of our friendly neighborhood burger joint. Apparently, ANDRU™ feels that it is necessary to trademark his name. Space Dinosaur wonders exactly what are you peddling ANDRU™? Like Tom, ANDRU™ is "Here for: Networking, Dating, Serious Relationships, Friends." In fact ANDRU™ even has a "girlfriend application" on his page! Let's see how Space Dinosaur scores on the girlfriend application:
Space Dinosaur suddenly realized what ANDRU™ is peddling: his dick. Sorry ANDRU™, Space Dinosaur doesn't think that your shoddy merchandise is terribly marketable. Too bad, life's a bitch.  The last page that Space dinosaur could bear to view belonged to "6+2©." Space Dinosaur got the feeling that 6+2©, didn't actually get a copyright for 6+2. In fact he was pretty sure that 6+2 is not a copyrightable work even if this kid could claim authorship. In 6+2©'s blurbs he says "im sorry but i dont have sound on my comp dont ask me to listen to stuff" and yet he subjects everyone who visits his page to some horribly awful song, cranked up way too loud. Thanks buddy. Furthermore, 6+2© is a bible thumper. Here are some of his beliefs: "homosexuality?? it is a sin to be a homosexual (1 corithians 6:9) we should not hate homosexuals we should not mock or reject them hate the sin not the sinner." So you don't hate homosexuals themselves, you just hate what they are. Nice. Then there's: "getting drunk? its wrong to be drunk you can drink but you shouldnt get drunk 1 corinthians 6:10." Space Dinosaur has a really difficult time taking advice about drinking from some dipshit kid who isn't even old enough to drink. Wait, there's more: "talken crap?? dont do it proverbs13:3 'he that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.'" Let's see 6+2©, you've claimed authorship of 6+2 and that you own the copyright to this intellectual property, you've essentially done a little gay-bashing, and you preach about drinking when you have probably never even had a drink. Maybe you should take your own advice about "talken crap." Don't worry; Space Dinosaur can help you out with that.  This was about all that Space Dinosaur could endure. Although there are plenty of MySpace users who just want a free webpage (live it up, Fox is cooking up ways to profit off of you as well as retailers like Wendy's) and who are professionals trying to network (Space Dinosaur thinks that there may be better ways of doing this however), but there are far too many pitiful, narcissistic whackos with nothing better to do that spout out all of the sad little details of their intolerably tedious lives. Thus, Space Dinosaur decided that the only friends on MySpace with whom he cared to socialize were the friends that he already had. Space Dinosaur gave Amy and his old time buddy Hermes the platypus a call and they all went out for drinks.  Sorry to all the kids we've massacred here. While we've made some fun of you, we're sure that you have plenty of redeeming qualities. However, this is what happens when you put yourself out there on the internet! For the sake of fairness, we should also note that we have seen a lot more visitors on our website after Space Dinosaur set up his MySpace page. So MySpace has indeed been good to us, but Space Dinosaur has a tendency to bite the hand that feeds him (quite literally)! |